Sunday, September 7, 2008. – Drafttek.com Senior Writer, Scott Lilliston
It was a very slow week for college football, save for the scare Ohio University put into Ohio State. The University of Florida, where all-world wide receiver Percy Harvin was back on the field, and “The U” were butting heads last night. That was definitely the headliner of the weekend and the Gators won by 3 scores. Miami had won the last 6 meetings between them so there was some intrigue.
Schools are hitting their cream-puff schedules this week. In fact, the college ranks were devoid of any primetime-worthy game this week and no two ranked teams played against each other. As such…let the silliness begin.
Gotta hand it to Plaxico Burress this week. he single-handedly showed America’s youth that it’s only right to play hard AFTER you get the money you want. He also single-handedly made the Redskins tap out Thursday night after hauling in 10 passes for 133 yards in a 16-7 win.
Brandon Jacobs looks like he’s going to take back the role of primary rusher for the G-Men. His steamrolling of Laron Landry in the first quarter Thursday night left little doubt. Landry looked like a gnat trying to keep a fat kid away from the buffet.
During Thursday night’s telecast, where several people were gathered, I heard someone say something odd. Just after Jason Campbell, AKA Eriq La Salle whom you likely know as Daryl, the Prince of Soul Glo in “Coming to America”, hit Santana Moss for the Skins only TD, someone in the room said “Let’s just hope he (Campbell) doesn’t go head-butt the wall!”
What a crazy thing to say from someone who claims to be a Redskins fan. Gus Frerotte’s infamous head-butting of an end-zone wall after scoring a touchdown, which ended his day with a neck injury, has to rank in the top 3 worst moments in the team’s history. So why, TELL ME WHY, would a fan even have the gall to utter such a thing during a game?!?! One might as well grab a couple fistfulls of c-notes, head down to Tijuana and start bragging to the locals that you’ve never been robbed in your life.
So what are the worst things that can be uttered by an NFL team’s fans? It was difficult, but I think we tacked it down. Enjoy…and don’t say we didn’t tell you so if, after you utter these football-god-forsaken phrases or buzz words, your team takes a dive!
Teams
1. Chicago Bears - Any combination of the words “shuffle”, “bowl” or “super”. Oh and the names Jonathan Quinn, Cade Mcknown and Rex Grossman are off limits too.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers - Anything to do with Merrill Hoge, whom I’m convinced is single-handedly trying to stupify the football watching world. We’d recommend you stay away from using the name Kordell in casual conversation or the word “slash”. OH..and you may want to lay off the word “immaculate” since the good karma on that word has long since been cashed in.
3. Dallas Cowboys – “Clint” and “Longley” are out unless you are talking about his specific miraculous comeback game against the Redskins on Thanksgiving. We’d also steer clear of mentioning the words “marijuana”, “pot”, “weed”, “coke”, “blow”, “prostitutes”, “strippers”….well, you get the point.
4. Oakland Raiders – “Marinovich” is a no-no, though uttering the name “Madden” serves as the antidote. “Just win, baby” should be retired when Al Davis leaves (or joins the ranks of Yoda and Obi-Won Kenobi…whichever happens first)
5. Green Bay Packers – “Mandarich” is a no-go. Stay away from using the phrase “4th and 26″ whenever possible. Also watchout for “Chmura” and “hot tub”.
6. Washington Redskins – The aforementioned “head-butt” is banned. The names Shuler, Westbrook, Cerrato and Snyder should be crossed off the list too. Any combination or variations of the words “break” and “leg” are disastrous as well.
7. Indianapolis Colts – “Baltimore” is definitely out. So, too should be Brady, Belicheck and “Patriots”. OH…we almost forgot. “Sorgi” is a bad word too.
8. San Francisco – Be careful not to run afoul of “the Dwight Clark Rule”. Any mention of Clark, or “the catch” for that matter, during the season is grounds for immediate doom from the football gods. Leave that for the off-season, and NFL Films.
9. Kansas City Chiefs – Unfortunately none of this advice will apply and/or help because the Football Gods are still cramming it in your cramholes for employing Joe Montana after leaving the 49ers.
10. Baltimore Ravens – “Boller” and “Offense” are two bad words, as are “Indianapolis” and “Colt”.
11. Philadelphia Eagles - “Running”, “rush(ing)”, “ground game”, etc are no-no’s. “Off-the-Field-Distraction” is off limits, as are the phrases “ACL”, “Sports Hernia” and the name “Limbaugh”.
12. Atlanta Falcons - Uh…you know what….I don’t think we need to release the hounds on you guys to know what the football gods are upset about.
13. Seattle Seahawks - I’d lay off of “Bosworth” or “The Boz”. Unless you want to see some running back steam roll Lofa Tatupu for a TD. I’d also recommend never discussing Shaun Alexander…period.
14. Arizona Cardinals - I wouldn’t mention “Monday Night”, “Sunday Night” or “Primetime”….ever. I’d also stay clear of “They are who we thought they were.” “Jake” and “Plummer” are off limits as well. You are still in Football God time out for letting him get away.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars – “AFC Championship” appears to be a bad luck saying for you guys though the jury is still out. “Leftwich” is in the hopper for adjudication by the Football Gods too.
16. San Diego Chargers - “Ryan” and “Leaf”. That’s it…that’s all. As a matter of fact, the Football Gods feel so bad about that deal that every thing else is free game. Bolts fans can talk about knee injuries, lack of penalties from their offensive line, their priest’s drinking habit….you name it. Consider the current state of the franchise a whole-hearted apology from the Gods, to you for the Ryan Leaf saga.
17. New England Patriots – “Gate” and “Spy” are out. “Cheat(ers, ing, etc)” is not welcome. Any combination of the numbers Eighteen and One are dangerous as well. The name “Eli” might make the list but only in conjunction with “Strahan” “Umenyora” and “Tuck”. Speaking of “Tuck”, the words “Tuck” and “Rule” are on the no-no list for sure. The Karma is cashed on those two.
18. Houston Texans - ”Carr” is not a good one to utter. Neither is “sack” or “protection”. The Football Gods may impose a decade-long punishment of mediocrity due to your initial lack of imagination in naming your franchise.
19. Minnesota Vikings - WEEELL let’s just see here….”chartered” and “boat” are out. “Cruise” is out. “Scalping” is a no-no along with “Tice”.
20. Carolina Panthers - ”Suspension”, “Punch”, “altercation”, “Carruth”…you get the picture.
21. Cincinnati Bengals - See Cleveland Browns.
22. St. Louis Rams – “Lawrence Phillips” – end ‘o story. Other than that…the Gods seem to be neutral on you. DON’T SCREW IT UP!!!
23. Buffalo Bills – “Wide”, “Right”, “Norwood” are the biggest faux pas. Seems like the phrase “Super Bowl Champion” is a bad luck bringer…but that’s just mean. As a side note – best fantasy football squad name I’ve ever seen?? How about S.N.A.P -> Scott Norwood Assasination Project. Was just for laughs…we’re sure he’s still alive…just not kicking.
24. New York Giants - Karma is burnt, Giants fans. You should never talk about “the super bowl catch”. You should have immediately dealt David Tyree to an AFC team after that play and dunked Eli in a vat of Holy Water. The fallout awaits.
25. New Orleans Saints – Hmmm…the Saints are a good squad..and their status appears to be good will from the Football Gods for going through so much. (I.E, Katrina, the 80’s and 90’s)
26. Detroit Lions – “Millen” is a deal breaker. So is the phrase “first-round-wideout”. The names “Barry and “Sanders” are bad news too considering they haven’t had a decent one since he left.
27. Denver Broncos – “Romanowski” is on the naughty list. I’d also stay clear of “Marijuana” (see Travis Henry), and “Las Vegas” (see Javon Walker).
28. Tennesee Titans – Three words…Music CIty Miracle. Really…don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. Maybe, just maybe, when you are alone in bed at night and it’s dark and no one is around….you can crack a little smile…BUT DON’T GET TOO CARRIED AWAY, PAL. The Gods were looking for a way to pay you back. They found it in Mike Jones…oh yeah…don’t mention him either.
29. Miami Dolphins – “Ricky Williams” (version 1.0) and “perfect season”. You got bailed out last year by the G-Men. You know why?? Because Shula and company know you can’t say it while the games are being played. You celebrate AFTERWARDS!
30. Cleveland Browns – UH…..jeez there’s too many. Good luck, Cleveland fans. The Football Gods say this message is sponsored by the letters “F” and “U”.
31. New York Jets – “The draft”, and any Jet QB since Broadway Joe. And prepare yourselves, Jets fans…you are dancing with the devil right now. Picking up Favre is like showing up at the crossroads at midnight and handing over the decade of the 2010’s to Satan himself.
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – “The 80’s and 90’s”. Don’t discuss them, as they were punishment for letting 3 super bowl winning quarterbacks get away from you. (Doug Williams, Steve Young and Trent Dilfer)
That’s it guys and dolls. Stick to the rules and you might find your team in good fortune come January. If you should decide to toy with the Mighty Football Gods, prepare to pay the price. Consider yourself warned!
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